I had this dream last night, and Katherine was there, which is strange because until now, she's never actually appeared in one of my dreams. I mean, don't get me wrong, there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of her and there are about a zillion songs that remind me of her, including the ones she loved, the ones she hated, and the ones we used to listen to in her car when she picked me up from school sometimes, but to my surprise, I've never had a dream, good or bad, about her. I guess that's easier in a way because people have a way of always appearing so clearly in dreams, even when in real life you feel like you're starting to forget their faces. I'm not sure whether her making an appearance while I'm in a semi-conscious state (just like Lauren right now - irony?) would finally put me over the edge or not - I've been waiting a long time for that, but I get the feeling that I'm the type of person that would have a hard time putting myself back together if I fell apart, so maybe holding it together despite everything is better?? Really, I couldn't tell you.

So in case none of you can read dates and/or do math, this is my first post in quite awhile. I mean, I figured I should wait to post anything until my head stopped spinning, what with all that happened to Lauren with the car accident, and all the stares and questions at school, and the constant what-if games I keep playing with myself and all. It's been about 2 weeks since I learned about her car crash, and since then, I feel like I'm living a double life - a before and an after. I'm here and I'm waiting for them to merge back together, but so far they haven't and it feels like it's been so long but it hasn't. Every day at school and at practice I get this strange sense that I'm watching myself and I'm watching my life unfold on a TV screen or in a movie or something and it's like watching those god-awful horror movies where you just want to scream at the dumb bitch not to open the garage door and go out by herself (scream, anyone? worst horror movie EVER) but you can't and you just watch her do it, and that's how I feel every time I watch my own life play out in front of me.