I guess this is my first post since Lauren's accident a week ago. She's still in the ICU (she came off the ventilator yesterday), which is technically families only but the doctors keep letting me breach protocol (and I think her parents are telling them I'm a cousin or "my brother's nephew's half sister twice removed" or something along those lines), so long story short I'm allowed to visit (which means that I have to - fail). I would actually do anything to not visit, but I feel trapped and everyone expects me to because we're friends, and they have no idea how much a resent her. And I get this clenching feeling in my stomach every time someone asks me how Lauren is doing or how I'm holding up, and it makes me constantly want to puke all over the godforsaken green industrial carpet in all of the classrooms at school.

I have never been good at expressing my feelings. After Katherine "died" last year, my parents tried to make me go to counseling but I dug my heels in so hard that they finally quit. Now I'm watching and I feel like everyone around me is disappearing and I've decided that people shouldn't get attached to one another because it can only end badly.